i guess i really have a very bad attitude and character towards those peeps who were around me this pass few months or years . or am i really really that bad to be losing them . i swear , i've tried my best , to treat them the best . but why am i always getting the bad comments or so called " retribution " back ? why can't people especially my friends rmb the things i've done for them and forgive me ? why can't they tolerate ? why do they think that jus tolerating abit means alot to them . ? so how bout me ? i've already tried smiling and laughing fer this past few weeks but my thoughts wil just go wild as soon as im alone at home . i cried and suffer a kind of pain i never had befer this morning . i dunch know . but i rmb and i clearly do rmb , i can hear the breaks of my heart , the feel of it , it hurts . alot . the thoughts of those memories when i use to be young . the pamper and care and understanding my family especially my father always gives . but i just cant feel it todae . nothing . the respect of my friends to me , i cant feel it too . and it breaks . no , im not saying im alone . i jus cant understand why it hurts so much . i can't sleep if i don write these down , becos these words flow in mind . i wonder why . when my father shouted in the morning todae , bangin the doors of my room , shouting to me , i nearly broke down in front of him . thats when i can feel my heart breaks . now . im really tired . now , i realise im selfish . im tired of typing my feelings down , tired of every single thing . im selfish , becos i feel the jealosy of my friends talking to other people . im selfish . . . so selfish . the reason i hate myself is just becos i cant accept myself for being like that . i've tried being the best i can be , i've tried doing things i can't , but since people don see it , i don think i should be like that . if this is normal that we people wil always go through feelings like that , then i would rather be abnormal .....
i can't make you smile , i can't make you laugh . i can't bear to see you down . looking at ur blog , can see you'll get down fer some things but i dunch know what . i dunch know how to ask but i hope you could share . can see caiyan can make you happy and i hope he really does . so hms , caiyan , wo kao ni le . don drink or smoke too much okays . you noe its not healthy . sometimes i never reply ue , or never message ue , maybe i doing my things or maybe suddenly just wanna be alone . or anything . but you know i'll always be missing you . i need you arhs , dunch ue dare to leave a step from me okays my devil =) . take care whenever i cant be with you . take care .....
i dunch know why til today i cant give you an ans . its not becos of her , not becos of anione , just myself . i stil cant give myself a second chance to so call " start anew " ? i stil cant put a 1oo% trust on you or myself . no reason why . really really no reason . cos i dunch even know myself . i can bear to hurt ue once again and maybe even let myself get hurt by you again . i told you im selfish .. rmb about ur horoscope thing ? rmb the accomplishment you might make todae ? actually i can give you ur ans . i even called your name when i was goiing home soon , rmb ? i nodded my head and then shake and then nooded again . you dunch know what i meant and even asked . something pull me from nodding my head again and telling you what i was nodding and shaking about . it pulls me away . i stil can't give an ans . i stil can't . im stil afraid of dunno what shit what hell shit . damn shit ... i just dunch know . and i know this prob dosen't concerns anyone . give me time .. i really need loads and dozens and loads of time . i dunch know what ans wil it be , i dunch even know myself . don pin ur hopes on me to high . pin it low , very low . cos im really scared . i can do anything , anything with you , but i just cant give an ans . i really hope we can be back when we just knew each others around 2 years ago , so everything would be just so pure .. so clear .... * thinking look * . you can find someone better than me . ue can just tell me suddenly that you have found another someone ue love loads . i wun blame ue , i wun hate you . cause i know its just isn't ur fault .. don treat me too good .. i wil take advantage . and im afraid i'll just use you . i dunch know how wil i use , im just afraid . im sorry , so sorry for you to just to wait like that ..
precious . don blame me if i don message or contact ue now . because im just too use to people or friends contacting me . im use to them calling or messagin me themselves . maybe if one day , or a few days , ue peeps receive my message automaticlly . den maybe tat wil be the day when wo yi jing xiang tong le . ye shu nar tian shi wo yi jing hui hao hao de zhen xi ni men le .. i miss you too okays . i miss your tsk and many many more . ue too must take care oh . also got read ur blog , ue also seemed happy without me also mar . so must be happy okays . smiles fer ue =) . bless you bless you bless you =p . bleahs .
you wrote a very very hurting and short testi in friendster for me . ue said we wouldn't be as close as last time , ue said we wil only be friends . im sorry i cant do it . again i choose the selfish way of not even being friends . i dunch know why you dunch wan tell wen about our thing . i know you have ur reasons . i would blame ue . maybe ue think im just being unreasonable , but i've told ue , this few weeks when u're not with me , things change . even if its just awhile . i'am tired of telling you i miss you , i need you without any replies . i cant do it anymore , im off the cliff for you . you feel happy now , im glad . you miss her , i know . i'll just let you be cos i know i cant change ue . and pssss , btw , about judy ong thing . if she ever tell you . and ur blog is talking about me . pls understand first . if ue trust her and ue think she really look innocent like how she is . pls .. don trust her . im not asking ue to trust me but don misunderstand me .
im going to sleep , im working later at 12 . im tired . i know i'll die of working later . nahs , let me be , i rather die . nothing much happen todae . i went out with cyn and kel . went out to eat and walk walk . we went suntec . went to kbox . went home . meverick and patrick wanna meet me . joey and her fren also . hmms . went down meet them talk . after tat they come my house . it was already one something . and then joey and her friend came and then awhile later go again . leaving me with those idiots , watching slither again . stil find its er xin . hmmms . den papa wake up . den too bad , they gotta go . then they go at dunno what time . hmmms . all the way lying on bed , now then come write blog . so tired so tired . meverick and patrick tonning , now no where to go . kel sms til half sleep . first time he sleep first . never message devil dear dear zhu becos now message her scared message til half sleep . in the end also the same , rather wait til tmr i have the time . calling that joey no ans . say 4 something meet the end she sleep . nnot meet me lar . meet meverick and patrick . den they cannot find her come fan me . hmmms . den i pek chek shout shout shout , den they diam diam . now never fan le . tmr wonder they how . got a feeling they coming find me . hmmms . dunno ah boy de bro b'dae arhs . den ask me tmr go his house for what bbq . faints . wonder got go mar . if go what wil happen ner . i also dunno the family . faints . go there do extra . dunno is he call fer fun or real de . don care . hmms . continue tmr de work first . kaes . go sleep le . nites .
darling gerl ` i miss those days . but sometimes i think i don miss anymore . i dunch know . my mind is in a blank now . so confuse or blank i also dunch know . im tired and my cuts are itchy . damn itchy becos its gonna heal . damn . its very er xin now . but i enjoy it . =) . well , im going crazy . ferget about the enjoy it sentence . hmmms . nites . choco dreams .
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