i just cant say goodbye .

i don like it tonight . really don like it . FIRST , ANGRY . second now , disappointed , sad , irrated . i dunno . i don like it . just don like it . i know im in the wrong till todae . i know im in the wrong for me to stil miss you . i know im wrong . its been decades since i last wrote this kind of depress nonsense on my blog . but , its starting . my nightmares . mogan darling asked me to call him . and then after my previous blog , i called . i just put down my fone with him cas he was going to sleep . and let me say , tonight's the worst nov . he was comforting me and telling me things . but i just couldn't keep those in mind . all i knew was that im assuming things since the dae she told me about the testi . hey boy hey boy , im really going crazy . even smoking few sticks at a time dosen't cure my pain now . i dunch know why . it has never been like this before . why . the hurt's stil there . the angry-ness . whats wrong ? viewing weilun's profile was like FATED TO . something just held my hand to press WHO VIEWED ME . something just held my hand to press weilun's profile , to scroll down . AND THAT TESTI WAS WHAT I SAW . read it two times and i heard my heart broke . its been so so so long i last heard my heart broke . regret assuming things , regret not deleting that testi of his . regrets . what's the use . and the girl wasn't me in the end . those hopes i had , gone . i dunno what to do now , the feeling im having . what isit ? i cant express it out . my tears just wouldn't roll . i just cant shout . so what the fark isit that i want ?! im wrong . i know . im wrong , always . MIA i go . to stop this kind of farking nonsense . leaving in only darlings and baby's world . no more others . let me forget u then . i want , but i cant . damn it damn damn damn damn . boy , i will not ever forget , it was becas of you that my life came back . i would never forget its becas of you i smiled . becas of you i tolerate . everything came back becas of you . since the dae u left . there were times i would still see you viewing my profile . thats hope . the testi ur friends wrote to u , i thot it was hope . hopes . and the last testi i saw u wrote to ur fren , that was the time i knew i was playing on my own . darling said " let it be , tmr's a better dae " . darling said " don think so much okays , go to sleep . take a rest " . darling said " let daes past by its own , don worry " . darling said " take good care of urself " . darling told jokes to try to make me smile . change subjects to talk about , about tmr , about meeting . but i didn't even listen to a word he said . this is not the life i want back . no . no . no . im shivering , im tired i realise . was it me this few weeks who had been with u guys ? wasn't i the girl who had always been depress ? why did i suddenly smiled ? why didn't i cried terribly when he left ? why didn't i ask , why didn't i explain ? why didn't i tried to held you back ? just becas i knew it was my fault ? but was it really mine ? is this me ? or from the dae u left , i kept everything deep down to tolerate . ? why didn't i get out of my house nowadays ? dad asking me was rights . is there something wrong with me ? why hadn't i been going out ? why am i staying home ? am i like , staying at home , looking at ur testi and profile to wait for an ans ? am i really taking baby as you ? IM JUST A FARKING BITCH MAN . YES , THEY WERE RIGHT . IM CHEAP , IM BITCHY , IM A FARKING IDIOT . is this me then ? i cant think of anything now , no i cant . i look like a crazy bitch sitting in front of my computer now . tears rolling halfway down , blured . rumours ? do they even know me ? have they ever think what i wanted and what i had been through . restless . i need my penknifes and panadols again ? do i ? must i ? numb me . will someone ? boy , could you read my blog and tell me ? tell me .. everybody has something to leave behind . no use looking back or wondering , i know . shouldn't meddle with memories . i remember u singing song to me on a bridge . i rmb u hugging me tightly . i rmb me playing with u . talking to u . lying on ur bed , sleeping . sitting beside u to see u play ur game . i still cant find ways to let you go boy . i cant . i rmb everything .

syl said , be urself . he said , im living for myself , not others . currently my 4th panadol , and im stil counting . im sorry i didn't keep my promise .